My life has changed dramatically in the last few months. I never saw myself as ever being a stay-at-home mom. I have two degrees I thought I needed to use. We saw no way in our budget for me to not be able to work. I worked full time up until when Victoria was born, and then I went "part time" and worked 32-38 hours per week. I loved my schedule of working days and getting out at around 2pm so that I could play with Victoria every afternoon. When I first started at DBC, I got one day off per week. I loved seeing my baby one full day a week at least. It was hard not seeing her often though. Then I worked everyday and didn't get to see her in the morning...I only saw her for 5 hours each afternoon. That was hard too. We realized after Isabella was born that the cost of daycare was too much and wasn't worth it for me to work at DBC anymore. I was super sad and yet excited that I didn't have to be away from my baby 5 days a week.
Now I wonder: why can't I have it all? I am looking for work. I want to find the perfect part-time job where I can work 2-3 days per week and see the kids the other days. Staying home full time has been harder than anything I ever imagined. My stress level and emotions have changed a lot. I'm not used to taking care of my own children alllll day! It would have been one thing to be a stay-at-home mom all of a sudden to a baby. However, I was instantly staying home with a toddler and a baby. Victoria was used to daycare and having lots of other kids to play with. She has reacted to Isabella and me spending so much attention on the baby by throwing more fits. She was not used to seeing me this often either.
I'm a perfectionist...used to getting out and organizing and doing projects at work. Doing the same thing with the kids each day has been hard on me. I always thought if I stayed home I'd be able to keep the house spotless because I'd have so much time to clean...ha! Now I realize that when you're home with a three year old and a baby, you're messing up the house all day long and you can't keep up! I've turned my attention to stressing over the baby and her schedule, and how I'm handling a toddler. I try to control everything on my own. I'm trying to put all of this on God and trust Him. This is harder than it sounds.
On top of handling all the cooking, cleaning, and children throughout the day, my husband is doing extra overtime at work. This has been a major blessing financially. We had been waiting for him to be able to get overtime for a long time. This means that I'm home with the kids longer each night, and even some Saturdays. I love them more than anything, but seriously need a break. Breastfeeding a baby is a lot of work and keeps me tied to the house a lot. Luckily my Mother-in-law comes over a lot of Thursdays and I get out a bit.
I am looking forward to the weather getting nicer so we can go for walks during the day and get Victoria out to play. She is going stir crazy having to stay indoors! How many times can we play the same legos and play-doh? :)
So, still not certain what God's plan for me is. I have applied for numerous jobs and am still searching. I know it is a major blessing to be able to be home with the kids right now and see them when they are little. My other side of me craves to use my brain more and get out of the house. Most jobs I find are full time though. Why can't I have the best of both worlds?
Caroline you voice the same emotions and opinions I feel now! Not to knock stay at home moms, but it is just not my thing either. And I still just have Esme! I am not creative to play with and get bored myself, and hate making lunch, let alone to please a toddler! But it is amazing to be with your child any chance you have. We worked hard to get our educations and know that in doing so we are doing a world of good for our families, so we want to use what we have learned. There are some people that are better with entertaining kids all day and that is one of the reasons I think daycare is a blessing, they can offer something I likely cannot. And the warmer weather will also be a saving grace too! Keep up the good work, you are not alone. I hope to be able to nurse this second one and go back to work myself as I did with school and Esme, but we will see. I like a tidy house too, and like you said, there are always chores to do! We can have the best of both worlds, it just takes time!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lacey for understanding. It's not everyone's thing. I am really excited to savor this time since it has been put in my lap at this time. I can't wait for the better weather...we got out and went for a nice walk today! Two kids is so different than one, you'll see ! :)
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