Full-Time Mom?

My life has changed dramatically in the last few months.  I never saw myself as ever being a stay-at-home mom.  I have two degrees I thought I needed to use.  We saw no way in our budget for me to not be able to work.  I worked full time up until when Victoria was born, and then I went "part time" and worked 32-38 hours per week.  I loved my schedule of working days and getting out at around 2pm so that I could play with Victoria every afternoon.  When I first started at DBC, I got one day off per week. I loved seeing my baby one full day a week at least.   It was hard not seeing her often though.  Then I worked everyday and didn't get to see her in the morning...I only saw her for 5 hours each afternoon. That was hard too.  We realized after Isabella was born that the cost of daycare was too much and wasn't worth it for me to work at DBC anymore.  I was super sad and yet excited that I didn't have to be away from my baby 5 days a week.

Now I wonder: why can't I have it all? I am looking for work. I want to find the perfect part-time job where I can work 2-3 days per week and see the kids the other days.  Staying home full time has been harder than anything I ever imagined.  My stress level and emotions have changed a lot.  I'm not used to taking care of my own children alllll day!  It would have been one thing to be a stay-at-home mom all of a sudden to a baby.  However, I was instantly staying home with a toddler and a baby.  Victoria was used to daycare and having lots of other kids to play with.  She has reacted to Isabella and me spending so much attention on the baby by throwing more fits.  She was not used to seeing me this often either.  

I'm a perfectionist...used to getting out and organizing and doing projects at work.  Doing the same thing with the kids each day has been hard on me.  I always thought if I stayed home I'd be able to keep the house spotless because I'd have so much time to clean...ha! Now I realize that when you're home with a three year old and a baby, you're messing up the house all day long and you can't keep up! I've turned my attention to stressing over the baby and her schedule, and how I'm handling a toddler.  I try to control everything on my own.  I'm trying to put all of this on God and trust Him.  This is harder than it sounds.  

On top of handling all the cooking, cleaning, and children throughout the day, my husband is doing extra overtime at work.  This has been a major blessing financially. We had been waiting for him to be able to get overtime for a long time.  This means that I'm home with the kids longer each night, and even some Saturdays.  I love them more than anything, but seriously need a break.  Breastfeeding a baby is a lot of work and keeps me tied to the house a lot.  Luckily my Mother-in-law comes over a lot of Thursdays and I get out a bit.  

I am looking forward to the weather getting nicer so we can go for walks during the day and get Victoria out to play.  She is going stir crazy having to stay indoors! How many times can we play the same legos and play-doh? :)  

So, still not certain what God's plan for me is.  I have applied for numerous jobs and am still searching.  I know it is a major blessing to be able to be home with the kids right now and see them when they are little.  My other side of me craves to use my brain more and get out of the house.  Most jobs I find are full time though.  Why can't I have the best of both worlds?

Victoria's Birth Story (3-20-2010)

I found out I was pregnant with Victoria in July.  It was the busiest week ever at Attwood, preparing for a big tradeshow. I worked a lot of overtime that week and was really stressed. I knew I was due to have my period soon, so I thought the slight cramps I had that week were just PMS.  I had been tired on vacation to South Carolina the week prior, falling asleep more than usual in the car.  We only tried one month at that point.  My parents made a lot of jokes that I was pregnant…I told them I didn’t know yet!  On the way down to SC, Jason gave me two little twin baby figurines because he was excited and wanted to have twins…LOL!  

On a Thursday night after a long week, I realized I was a couple of days late.  I decided to take a pregnancy test, even though it was outdated and I knew you were supposed to do it in the morning for it to be most accurate.  It was a solid dark line! I couldn’t believe it! I told Jason right away and he was so excited! Because it was outdated, we decided on the spur of the moment to go run to Meijer and buy another test. While we were there we bought a couple baby books too.  We were such geeks.  When we got home, I took the digital test and it said “Pregnant” !! We were so excited it was hard to sleep.

We found out what we were having with Victoria at our 20 week ultrasound.  When the lady told us it was a girl, I was so excited! We went and bought some girl clothes right away.  I had a lot of baby showers- one at work, one at Jason’s Aunts, one with my bible study, and one Up North at my parent’s house.  The baby shower Up North was on Halloween.  It was the last time I saw my Grandma Goebel alive. I will cherish those memories forever.  I only wish I had a picture of her with me.  We do have some pictures of her there though. 

Victoria’s birthday was the worst and best day of my life.  The week prior, Jason had not been sleeping and had been adjusting his medications for depression with his doctor.  The increase in an anti-depressant led him to not sleep and go into a “manic” state.  So, he took a week off from work to try to figure things out. My parents came to town on a Wednesday, the day before I was due. I worked all the way up until the end.  I worked a full day on Thursday at Attwood and got a ton done. Everyday I left, I made sure everything was set in case I went into labor that night.  Since my parents were in town, I decided to not go to work Friday. I was past my due date and was tired.  I hoped I’d go into labor soon so that I wasn’t wasting work days I could get paid for!  That day, Jason was especially manic and was trying to do multiple things at once and organize things. He had tons of grand ideas and was not himself.  My Mom and I went to visit Andria and her kids to get out of the house.  I had Braxton Hicks contractions a lot up until that week, but they got more intense on Friday.  That afternoon, Jason still couldn’t nap and decided he wanted us to take him to Pine Rest to get some help.  I was devastated…I was due to have a baby any minute and he wasn’t going to be there!  We took him there at 5:30 PM.  He barely said goodbye because he was so not himself…I felt like I had lost my husband and I had no idea what was going to happen and when he would get out.  I cried hysterically in the car as my Dad and Mom drove me home.  We stopped at Costco on the way home to buy my Dad a laptop he wanted.  In the checkout lane, I had a contraction that I realized was a little more painful than any I had had prior.  On the way home I talked to my parents about how they were starting to hurt.  By 7:30 PM or so they were getting worse and were closer together.  I was pissed. I didn’t want to go into labor without my husband there! This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.  Steve and Andria and there kids came over to support me and brought some dinner.  We went for a good long walk with the dogs and everyone to see if my contractions would change. They didn’t. They got closer and closer.  I tried to lay down to see if I could get some sleep, but laying down felt horrible.  We called my doctor and they said to come on in since they were so close together.  At about 11:00 PM we piled into my mini-van with my Dad driving.  It was horrible having contractions in a vehicle.  We go to Meto Health ER and I had to go through a number of steps to check in. I was in a wheel chair having contractions and was embarrassed in front of a packed ER.  I was really mad that I had to check in at so many places.  

I finally got to triage, still really mad and sad that Jason wasn’t there.  Andria and my Mom came in one at a time to support me. They made me lay on a bed the whole time and had me hooked up to monitors right away and said the baby’s heart rate was dropping with every contraction.  I was ticked that I had to be laying down…it felt horrible with each contraction. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be! But, I didn’t know how to argue with the nurses, they seemed to order me around.  I had horrible chills and shakes during labor.  I got word that Jason’s mom was going to pick him up and bring him to the hospital.  I was relieved, and yet, I knew that it would be this “manic” Jason, not my normal husband.  He arrived and they told him to be quiet, because I didn’t want a bunch of talking when I had the contractions.  He was quiet and held my hand and supported me. I was glad he was there then.  After like 2 hours, they finally let me into a room.  I couldn’t believe it took so long…couldn’t they tell I was in labor? They were so close together.  My sister arrived then around 3AM…she drove her family down from Up North in the middle of the night! I couldn’t believe it.  I wanted to stand up and lean over the counter…not lay in bed.  But, the nurses made me get back in a bed and hooked up to monitors.  Since I was exhausted because I had been up all day, I decided to get an epidural.  I also got it because I figured what the heck, everything is already going not how I wanted it.  They told me to “rest” and see how things progressed, since the baby wasn’t coming down enough and I wasn’t dilating much.  I couldn’t rest much though, because I still had horrible shakes and chills.  We tried watching a movie while Jason laid down on the couch to try to nap.  I had been in labor for 8 hours already.  After about 30 minutes, a doctor came to check me and said I was dilated 5cm.  As she was checking me, she accidently broke my water!  She then said that they were thinking I was going to have to have a c-section.  I was devastated, but at that point, I wasn’t surprised.  They called the doctor that was there on call, Mary Beth Grey in.  All the nurses started changing into surgery clothes “just in case”.  This stressed me out a lot.  It was probably 4 AM.  The doctor came in and said the baby had pooped inside which was a risk.  All of a sudden I was rushed into a surgical room.  Everyone was moving so fast. I felt like I was in a movie.  Jason was still back in the room…I was all alone. I was in total shock.  One nurse took the time to reassure me that I wasn’t alone and that I wasn’t there.  She was the only one that made me feel like a human being. I was so exhausted and disoriented.  I had oxygen and all sorts of other stuff hooked up to me.  No one explained to me what was happening.  They setup the huge bright light and I was laying there like a limp doll.  It was so weird.  I could feel them cut and work around.  The anesthesiologist was an old Asian dude.  He sat by my head and talked to me.  I kept asking him “is the shaking and chills normal?”  

Finally, after just a couple minutes, they pulled Victoria out.  I heard her scream a beautiful scream and the Anesthesiologist said “do you hear that!?”  It was amazing.  She was born at 5:02 AM, March 20th, 2010.  Finally Jason came in.  He had taken a while to get the scrubs on.  I couldn’t believe he hadn’t been there sooner, but wasn’t surprised.  He was at least there to watch her just after she came out and got weighted and measured.  I laid there while they sewed me up. I felt so helpless not being able to see my baby yet.  They had her over to the side on a table cleaning her up and such.  He brought her to me all swaddled up and clean.  I couldn’t see her face very well though because he’s so tall and didn’t want to drop her!  I couldn’t believe my baby girl was here! Then he left with her to get bathed and such while they worked on me for another 20 minutes.  My baby was here and I was stuck in an operating room.  I was so nauseas still that I threw up on the bed as they wheeled me over to a recovery area.  Jason was there with me as we talked.  We were so excited.  We got to pick out a little hat for Victoria.  The nurse, Morgan, talked to us about our dogs.  I was still shaking a little.  I couldn’t understand why I had to be away from my baby during this time.  It was probably about an hour.  I was taken to my room finally where I got to see my baby and try breastfeeding.  She latched on no problem.  At about 9AM, Jason had to leave.  He was so tired and not himself.  He took a video of himself talking and showing off Victoria.  Corrine took him away.  I was devastated but knew that he needed to get more help figuring out his medications.  I spent 4 days in the hospital with tons of visitors and flowers.  Everyone came to see me because they knew I was all alone.  Someone stayed with me there each night.  I was so glad my baby girl was here.  She kept me going despite how upset I was about Jason.  I felt like I was in a Lifetime movie.  On the day we went home, my parents drove Victoria and I home in our mini-van.  I had visioned us all going home as a family (with Jason) my whole life.  I held it in, but was really sad that he wasn’t there.  Jason was in the hospital for about a week after that.  When he came home, he was still not fully regulated on the medications and was not himself.  He took about 6 weeks of FMLA leave off from work.  As he was still pretty manic, he was never home at first.  He was trying to go do activities with friends constantly.  He still was not himself.  Some medications calmed him down, but made him super tired.  My maternity leave was not what I expected at all.  I was home with a sick husband and an infant. 

I took 3 months off.  Victoria had a lot of problems nursing.  I went to a lactation consultant multiple times.  She lost a lot of weight in the first month.  The MD didn’t know what to do…but I really didn’t want to supplement with formula as I knew nursing was better.  Finally, at 6 weeks, after her not gaining weight and not latching correctly, the lactation consultant said that it just wasn’t working.  I was going to try to pump and feed it to her, but it was just too much work and I wasn’t pumping enough.  I decided to give her formula.  Our lives instantly got easier and she gained weight right away.  I had a good 6 weeks with her before returning to work to enjoy her. :)

Isabella's Birth Story (11-22-2012)

I found out I was pregnant in early March, when my sister, Angie, was in town.  We had been trying for seven months.  I had what I thought was a really light period, but it felt different than normal and was very short.  So, just to be sure, I took a pregnancy test.  It was super faint, but there was a line…I stared at it a lot to try to see if it was really there! I showed Angie and told her about it. I didn’t tell Jason that night.  The next day I took another test and it was a littler bit darker.  I didn’t want to get my hopes up, so I told Angie and said it was probably a fluke…we went to the mall that day and talked about all the possibilities of if it were really positive!  That night I took another test and it was a much darker line.  I told Jason that night!  I called the doctor the next day and told them about my spotting I had.  They wanted me to come in for blood work to make sure.  I think it was a few days later that I went in for the test.  I really was pregnant!  I did a couple more blood tests the next couple weeks, and got put on a hormone as a precaution.  At 5 weeks I had an ultrasound, but they couldn’t see anything…that was scary.  So the next week I came in for another one and they showed me the little peanut J  It was finally real and I stopped worrying so much!

This time around, I didn’t anticipate going into labor early at all like I did with Victoria, since she was born 2 days after the due date. I didn’t want to get my hopes up.  We also didn’t find out what we were having this time.  I realllllly wanted too, but Jason didn’t.  So, I honored his wishes since it didn’t really matter.  We talked a lot about the possibility of having a boy.  I had an ultrasound at 20 weeks and didn’t find out what we were having…although I almost snuck a peak!  I was super tired during the beginning of pregnancy because they had me on the hormones.  I was so tired at work, and nauseous again all the time.  After the nausea went away, I got horrible heartburn.  This time, I didn’t take any medicines for it because I wanted to be all natural, and Dr. den Boer said it would make my food not provide nutrients to the baby like it should.   So, I avoided spicy foods and lived with it. I craved bread and sweets, which was hard because I cook everything gluten free for my husband and Victoria! I sneaked some treats every once in a while (since I do the shopping ) J  I felt great other than that, and was very happy that I was eating much healthier and exercising during this pregnancy.  It was a super hot summer…record temperatures! I stayed inside a lot in the air conditioning.  But, I also walked outside a lot with Victoria when we played in the afternoons when I go tout of work.  

My parents came to Michigan the week beforehand and hung out Up North in case I had Isabella.  I worked all the way up until the end at DBC.  I thought I was due the 14^th of November and Dr. Luce said the 17^th.  The week prior, on the 14^th, I went to my appointment and Dr. Luce had to be at a delivery, so I had to see some random male doctor. That was weird.  No indication of when I’d go into labor. I was hoping that weekend because my parents were coming to town.  We went swimming on Saturday at the Sleep Inn in Grand Rapids where they were staying.  I decided to not go back to work that next week because I had an appointment at the doctor on Tuesday morning anyway. I was really tired often and didn’t want to have to get up at 5:00 AM anymore! On Tuesday I went to the appointment and had a “non-stress” test. Everything was fine and Dr. Luce couldn’t tell when I’d be going into labor. I was a few days overdue. I setup an appointment with them for the following Monday.  I didn’t want to still be pregnant by then, that was for sure! It was two days until Thanksgiving. My parents were in town (Grand Rapids) and were anxious! They didn’t know how long they could hang around.  The next day they said they might have to leave to go back home to South Carolina if I didn’t have the baby soon.  We made plans for the next day to get together for Thanksgiving in the morning for breakfast.

That night, I had some cramping feelings in the middle of the night, and woke up as usual to use the bathroom.  At about 4AM I thought I felt some extra “water” leaking, but didn’t think it was enough to be anything.  The next morning, I got up and started making oatmeal for everyone to eat for breakfast. My parents were on there way from the hotel.  All of a sudden, standing in the kitchen at the stove, I felt a big gush! My water broke! I was in shock. I had never had this happen before, so I wasn’t for sure that it was really my water breaking.  I said to Jason….umm, honey? I think my water broke! It was 8:30 AM.  He got very excited and I sat down for a minute.  I couldn’t believe this was happening on Thanksgiving day!  It was perfect it seemed, since my doctor was on call that day!  I also really wanted to go into labor in the morning after I had slept all night.  (with Victoria I went into labor at night)  Then it happened more…and more….and then my parents got to our house.  It kept happening.  So, I called my doctor and she said to come on in, but that I didn’t have to rush.  I didn’t have any contractions yet.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was making breakfast and now I was packing up everything to go to the hospital!  My parents stayed with Victoria and Jason and I headed out.  First I ate some oatmeal and had some breakfast.  We got to Spectrum Health at about 10:00 AM.  I went into the ER totally normal and not having any contractions. Jason dropped me off and went to park the car.  I rode up in an elevator with a family and a lady in late labor…very interesting!  We went into a private triage room and talked to a couple of nurses. It was so weird to be there and not in pain yet.  The contractions started a little in the triage room and by the time I got to the birthing room they were getting stronger. I remember it being around 12:00 noon when I was leaning over the counters.  I liked walking around and leaning over the counters.  

My plan was to do it all natural if I could. I was all set to do a V-Bac since I had a c-section last time.  I was hoping my labor would progress on its own so I wouldn’t need any drugs.  It was!  I had contractions very fast, every 2 minutes or so, right from the beginning.  My nurse, CC, was great. She couldn’t believe I was going to do it all natural.  They wanted me to do antibiotics also, because I was Group B Strep positive.  I signed forms to opt out because my naturopathic doctor said it doesn’t really get to the baby anyway.  They thought I was really weird for doing this, but I stood my ground.  It was interesting talking about my options and opinions when I was in labor!  I tried the Jacuzzi tub and different positions, but nothing worked great. I had horrible back labor…Jason had to rub my back every contraction I had.  The Jacuzzi tub was too shallow and hurt my knees.  I ended up leaning over the back of the bed most of the time.  The contractions were super strong, and I didn’t get any breaks…every 2 minutes or so the whole time.  In the middle, I almost wanted an epidural, but the nurse said I was doing great and I shouldn’t need it.  She motivated me. I thought of my sister-in-laws Andria that had her baby at home, and Rachel who did with two kids.  The nurse said I made her believe in true Womanhood again…that was motivating! Jason was a great support.  His Mom Corrine was there too.  Jason held my hand the whole time.  

Near the end, the contractions were so strong I thought I was going to die…the only thing that really gets you through it is the nurses telling you your progress. I as dilated to an 8 or so.  By then you can’t get an epidural, so it was like, well I guess I have to get through this! They called the doctor and she came in.  Everything happened pretty fast after that.  My contractions were so strong I felt like the baby was going to fall out!  They told me to not push.  I had to wait for the doctor.  By the time they were calling her, it was sooo hard to not push.  Then the nurse told me to lay on the bed to get ready to deliver…it was so painful I told her I couldn’t. I leaned over Jason until the very last second.  Then some guy doctor came in. They couldn’t locate my doctor! So I laid on the bed and the contractions and pushing started. Finally my doctor showed up.  When they told me to push, it took about 30 seconds and her head was out! One more push and she was out! It was so quick. I think I needed to push a lot sooner than that but had been holding it in.  I couldn’t even feel the pushing.  It felt great for it to be over!  I said “What is it?” and Jason said “Isabella!”  (we had chosen her name ahead of time). I couldn’t believe it was a girl! It was a totally different experience to find out what it was right then! It was amazing! They put her on my right away and I got to nurse her. She was born at 6:30 PM.  Our little Thanksgiving blessing!  They were really nice and didn’t do all the weighing and stuff for an hour or so.  It was amazing.  I had to get stitches because I tore, so that was annoying.  Afterwards I walked around right away. It was amazing to not have a c-section. I felt good.  I ate some dinner. Then I took a shower.  I must have had some crazy hot hormones or something, because I fainted right after I got out of the shower.  That scared everyone quite a bit!  My parents were there to see her, and Corrine. We decided to have Victoria come the next day because she needed to get to bed. It was an amazing day and I was so glad I was only in labor for about 8 hours!  I spent 2 days in the hospital because they needed to monitor Isabella because of the Group B Strep thing.  The nurses were great.  The room was quite small though…so we had less visitors.  We came home on Saturday evening, and there were Christmas lights everywhere! We had kind of skipped a holiday and moved on to Christmas.  It was weird to leave in the evening.  Victoria got to welcome Isabella home.  It was so nice for her to see her before she went to bed.  God was so faithful…Jason was there and we had our baby girl the way we had prayed. Natural and healthy :)